Writing from the Past

It has been nearly a year since I started this blog, and I have only written one post. So, I thought that I would try something different. While sorting through a box of old papers I found a stack of random writings and ramblings which I wrote when I was in high school. Some of them are really pathetic and juvenile, but I will have to forgive and embrace my teenage self. I did not suffer from the usual teenage angst and rebellion, but felt a lack of connection and affinity with the world surrounding me. Most of these writing have not been dated, but were written sometime between the ages of 15 and 18. So, without further ado:

This one does have a date, May 1, 1996. Which would make me 16 years old when I wrote it:
I seem to have been very fond of writing some variation of poetry at the time, which is not something I have tried since I was 18.

Triumph

What is this panic I am now feeling,
Why is my stomach turning in circles, reeling.
The sky is so dark, and yet it is not.
I have a strange feeling that I am being sought.
They seek me. I seek them, but who are they?
I am losing. My head is beginning to sway.
I can't hold it up longer, it will fall.
And then they will stop and laugh at me, shall they all.
They will surround and stab me with their spears.
Then down my cold, pale face will run the salty tears.
Those great tears, which for so long I have hid,
Waiting patiently to see what I them would bid.
They shall at last, after long years be free.
Then I will die, but I will always be
My own master and even my own queen.
I'll have what they never can--the beauty I've seen.
They shall not triumph, triumph shall be mine.
For I am intoxicated with beauty, not wine.~

Also written in May of 1996:

I feel that I fit in nowhere.
Yet I don't think I was meant to.
I can't. I can't pretend always
As so many I observe do.

So I sit in my corner alone.
Sometimes figuratively, sometimes not.
I try to stay away, in spirit.
For I'm scared of being forever caught.

Caught in a game of fashion and fame.
The game which I so abhor and disdain.
Even if I don't show all myself,
I can't pretend, I won't live in vain.

I see more quietly in my corner
than they suspect. Would the change if they knew how much.
Their superficial smiles, false faces, empty words, seemingly empty heads.
I must never act as such. ~

Another from May of 1996:

Peace? What is Peace? I disdain it,
It isn't for me.
I feel that I'm trapped in a pit,
I only want to be free.
I long to walk on some high hill,
with the wind blowing wildly.
Calmness cannot calm a restless spirit,
but restless winds can perfectly.

A calm day kills me, makes me wild inside.
I was ever born the restless wind to ride.
To hurtle it and hold on for every last thing I am worth.
My life was never meant to be one of careless mirth.~

This one does not have a date, but since it has some writing from my roomate on the side, it must have been in 1997, when I was 18.

Sight, what is sight?
I long to open my eyes and see.
Yet how can I do so if I don't know what seeing means.

Love, what is love?
I want to love.
Yet how can I do so if I don't know how love feels.

Feeling, what is feeling?
I need to feel.
Yet how can I do so if I don't know what love is.

Truth, what is truth?
I must find it.
Yet how can I do so when I can neither see nor feel?

Lies, what are lies?
I long to flee from them.
Yet how can I do so when I try to hide?

Hiding, what is hiding?
I want to be open.
Yet how can I do so when I refuse to see, love or feel?~

Too Soon Forgotten

Yesterday the headlines on my Internet home page told of the unfolding tragedy in China. The reports of the devastation kept escalating. A city of 18,000 people has been buried, it told us. Reading further on in the report of the thousands of students buried in their schools, I was horrified. I did, however, find myself very detached. It is so far away. So, I brought it closer to home, pictured how I would feel if it happened here in my town. If it was my children's school that was collapsed; my home that was destroyed; my spouse killed. By doing this I was able to feel what I consider to be more proper sympathy for those poor people.

Then I clicked back to the home page, and watched the rotating news headlines. As apparently important as this 7.9 earthquake, is how to get your beach body ready. Well, I suppose that I can understand that there are other concerns in this world, and that one event cannot be the focus of all the news stories. People do need to get fit for those bikini's, after all we don't want a lot of tubbies walking around at the beach and pool. I tried not to judge the absurdity of this topic being of equal importance.

This morning, I turned on my computer, waited for it to warm up, opened my home page, waiting to see how the Chinese people were faring. Had more people been saved, more devastation reported. Well, apparently I will have to go beyond the front page to find out, because today the important things we need to know about are tasty appetizers, and prep schools.

How soon, here in our land of abundance, we forget about the misfortunes of those we do not see.